Update

I'm realizing that this blog was largely a vain attempt at getting Danielle's attention, and I've learned since then.

What's up.

There's so much more out there. What's the point in letting one single, series, or arena of failures rule your life? Find something better and win at it.

That's all there is to it.

defeat

what's the fucking point of living a life of defeat?

where are you?

if you're out there God, give me someone or take me away from everyone else.

Just make me stop being lonely, or go ahead and just crush my skull with your giant-ass magnifying glass already.

I am tired of being alone.

broken

Am I just a broken person? Do people just look at me and say "Oh, there's broken-ass Dan. No need to do anything with that guy. Fuckin' broken Dan."

So we go to a girl's birthday party tonight. Quinn, Goku, Leroi, and myself. We are sitting there. We are having a few drinks. We chat with a few people and it's fun. Yeah, cool, fun times. A girl sits down across from me. I say hello, introduce myself, ask her about herself, yeah cool, neat, whatever. Next fucker comes up, sits next to me, does the exact same things I do in the exact same fucking way and the girl is instantly intrigued.

What is it? Really?

What is it that I'm not getting. I exuded a healthy amount of confidence and was able to chat and stuff, why'd he get the girl?

Drunk broad sits down next to me. She starts chatting with me and I'm being talkative and polite, she just has fun talking. Guy walks past me and she looks at me and goes, "Hahaha, I thought you were my friend I came here with. Later random guy."

...

What the hell do I wake up for?
Why the hell do I do what I'm doing to sustain myself?
Why. The fuck. Don't. I. Just. Stop.

I wanted to die tonight.

Why?

I am living for myself for a job at circuit and aspirations to make fucking video games. That's goddamn pathetic. If I look outside of the scope of myself, I'm living for the needle-in-a-haystack chance that the girl I love but can't have comes back to me.

Why the fuck don't I just stop.

I should drive over a fucking cliff.

I hate everything about the shit that makes me appear so goddamn mediocre.
I hate the people that don't give me a fucking chance.
I hate the way this shit always goes down.

I should drive over a fucking cliff.

the deal

What the hell is wrong with me.

I can't close the deal.

lol thinkin' songs

The Format, "The First Single"

I can't stand to think about a heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my god I gave my best but for three whole years to end like this
Well do you want to fall apart? I can't stop if you cant start
Do you want to fall apart? I could if you can try to fix what I've undone
Cause I hate what I've become

Anberlin, "Adelaide"

You're repeating me lines that you think I wanna hear
But I don't wanna hear anymore
As if sorry is any consolation
For what it's worth, you're stringing me along
Sh sh shouldn't need anyone
Shouldn't need anyone
Just scared of being alone
But by the time you figure this out
And I'm already gone

Adelaide, Adelaide, you really had me going this time
Adelaide, Adelaide, you need to quit, quit making a scene
Adelaide, Adelaide, you really had me going this time
Adelaide, Adelaide, you need to quit, quit making a scene

You keep giving me signs that you think I wanna see
But you're nothing like you seem
Hide behind your half smile
But the truth is so undeniable
Sh sh shouldn't need anyone
Shouldn't need anyone
Just scared of being alone
But by the time you figure this out
And I'm already gone

Adelaide, Adelaide, you really had me going this time
Adelaide, Adelaide, you need to quit, quit making a scene
Adelaide, Adelaide, you really had me going this time
Adelaide, Adelaide, you need to quit, quit making a scene

Like lipstick traces on pillow cases
Some things in life are unforgettable
Like love, loss, lies and us and woh ohh
Some things in life are undeniable

Like lipstick traces on pillow cases
Some things in life are unforgettable
Like love, loss, lies and us and woh ohh
Some things in life are undeniable


Cute is What we Aim For, "Risque"


I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do when he can't get through?

Medically speaking you're adorable
And from what I hear you're quite affordable
But I like them pricey
So exaggerate and t-t-t-t-t-t-trick me
Pretty please, just trick me
Pretty please

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
And what's a crush to do when he can't get through?

I'm obsessed and stressed with this mess
I can't think of things
To write down, to type down
And these fingertips are moving faster than these lips
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is
So you can only imagine how jealous my mouth is

I got birds in my ears
And a devil on my shoulder
And a phone to the other
And I can't get a hold of her
And what's a crush to do?
What's a crush to do?

I got birds in my ears (I got birds in my ears)
And a devil on my shoulder (And a devil on my shoulder)
And what's a crush,
And what's a crush to do?

Ahhh...
I turn on a dime, spin me around
So you can shine, shine right now
We'll even have a crowd
We'll make this purchase count

Medically speaking you're adorable
And from what I hear you're quite affordable
But I like them pricey
So exaggerate and t-t-t-t-t-t-trick me

I got birds in my ears (birds in my ears)
And a devil on my shoulder (devil on my shoulder)
And what's a crush to do?
What's a crush to do?

I got birds in my ears (I got birds in my ears)
And a devil on my shoulder (And a devil on my shoulder)
And what's a crush,
and what's a lush to do?

I got birds in my ears (I got birds in my ears)
And a devil on my shoulder (And a devil on my shoulder)
And what's a crush,
and what's a lush to do when he can't get through?






Heh.

Songs that get me thinkin' :)

Super Secret Encrypted Message.

Just kidding.

I'm not encrypting it.

Danielle,

First off, I wrote this as a blog so it's not sent into your email which you probably check on a regular basis. I thought to be fair and give you the choice of whether or not to see it, I'd post it as a blog.

It was good to hear your voice tonight. Thanks for the update. I'll definitely be praying for (insert-Asian-kid-who-I-remember-but-who's-name-I-forget's name here) for his cancer. I appreciate the call.

I'm happy for you at Baskin Robbin's. This is one step closer to you getting a set of super-rad ultamo-awesome wheels for you to cruise around in in Ne-Carson-City-Reno-Vegas-vada. Keep at it, but also don't listen to them when they ask you to test all the flavors. Your diet was going good, don't let ice cream, you're long-time-lover, beat you to the punch.

On the more serious side, I'd love to hear your voice again. It's the 27th and I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns and not going to Vegas. I'd love to talk to you from time to time whenever you're comfortable just to be a voice of encouragement, because I want this for you just as much as you want this for you. It's funny too, because last night and all day today I was thinking about you a lot. You just happened to call me just as song 14 came on and that destiny tingle started itching in the style of your sun-glasses (that, for your own referance, is a girly, tickly, itch... and it made me feel a little less manly). Sighs and sighs. I wont bug you about it, and I know your time is your time, but I'd love to hear your voice.

I hope all's well. If you want to email me or something in response to this, please do. Talk to you (hopefully) soon.

-Dan

Cubase and Such

Hello myself and Danielle.

We are the only ones who read this? Isn't that neat? Not that you get to be the audience to write to Dan or Danielle, the audience is the interwebz. You know, the bits and bytes that frequent the site while on their way to loading others? They, Dan and Danielle, are the true audience. They are the greats who read this site.

I salute you, bits and bytes, and if I were more tech-savvy, I'd write this blog in binary, just for you. <3

In any case, life has been somewhat uneventful, which is good, yet boring. It means I get to take care of business and not get caught up in the craziness of the crazy days. Dave's birthday was a few days ago and we went to his work at Davio's for dinner. It was good. I tried some good wines and the ultimate chick-drink: The Chocolate Martini. It was fun. Good people, good atmosphere, a good mix. If there's one thing I can give to Dave, I can say that he knows how to mix a group of people to make whatever event is going on work. He doesn't get all biased and weird about having or not having certain people around, he just gets who needs to be around, around. it's good.

Mike got me a program called Cubase recently. It's pretty much emazing. It's a recording program that isn't limited like reason. It has all of the frills of a program like Pro-Tools for professional level recording and mastering. I'm stoked. In fact, I'm so stoked that I busted out my keyboard and started messing with stuff. Not that I've really learned much of it yet, but I've begun to mess around. I found an amazing website, and the treasures within it have sustained me through the mediocre days. It is http://www.tweakbench.com/ and it is great. What it is is a website devoted to putting up VST's and VSTi's. What that means is they put up effect and instrument plug ins for programs like Cubase. There are no limits. It's awesome. Here's a few that I got from tweakbench, who specialize in old school video game/vintage sounds:

http://www.tweakbench.com/mp3/toad.mp3
http://www.tweakbench.com/mp3/tapeworm.mp3
http://www.tweakbench.com/mp3/peach.mp3
http://www.tweakbench.com/mp3/triforce.mp3

Oh joy. It's so much fun. Using these patches has convinced me that I was born into the wrong era. I would've been one of the most amazing video game composers of the early to mid 1980's. Oh fate, why did you procrastinate on me?

The steps to Koi are rapidly being taken. Good things are coming. I'm excited.

Hope you've enjoyed this window, bits and bytes (And I guess Danielle too if you're watching).

-Dan

:\ Gibbed

Bad-status.

First off, no more talking with Danielle. She pulled the plug with good reason so I have to wait things out. I'm confident that in a year I'll still be on her mind, so I'm not worried. I just have to keep praying and hoping that she's the one for me. We'll see.

Tonight I had some people over to my house to have some drinks. Nothing new for a Thursday night. However, tonight, Dave clogged my toilet and didn't tell anyone. After this, Britney had to drop a duke and freaked out because it wouldn't flush. She proceeded to call Mike into the bathroom to help her. Mike started trying to walk her through it, and this in turn woke up my parents. Luckily, drunken Dave was outside making sure he didn't have to puke. My mom comes in and says "Who's in the bathroom? You guys need to keep it down." Oh shit. Bad things. Omens of darkness abound. I play damage control but mommy dearest catches a glimpse of the drinks on the stand up table-jiggy. "Are those a bunch of drinks?" She inquires. "Yeah mom, but just for me and Mike and Kevin. We're all of age." I respond. "No Daniel. This isn't happening anymore." Oh shit. Bad fucking omens.

Dave stumbles inside. "HAHA. I didn't fuckin' barf out there at least." And I look at him with mild rage on my face. Not from him but because my mom came in. No knowledge for her of Dave being there is a plus. Fucking loud noises woke up my parents though, and I'm going to eat shit in the morning. Knowing this, my patience grows thin, and I am about to snap at shit that doesn't need snapping at. Quinn and Kevin play damage control for me, on my shoulders telling me it'll be alright like the little angel and devil that whisper in your ear sometimes. You know... A conscience?

I frantically begin cleaning, knowing full well how chewed out I'll be tomorrow. I begin to hide the evidence, praying that they wont check the recycling bin. If they do, I'm fucking boned. 12 Guinness, 2 bottles of Liquor, 1 bottle of straight Vodka, and other questionable things. The toilet is clogged, there are remnants of snot barf somewhere in the vicinity of my house, and bad shit is just happening every which way.

I'm boned. Gibbed one might even say.

And all this after I take the news that I don't get to talk to my Ebony anymore :\

Today was a bad day off.

:(

hey, wassa happe wichyuuuuuu?

Hey.

So. At such a moment as this one can't help but feel a little bit dualistic. I tuck and I roll and I fight and I don't give up, and I end up emulating every underdog in the love story ever. So let's just hope life is a teen movie?

Realism Dan, Realism.

There is lots of time and lots of mystery. The odds aren't as against you as they sometimes seem in anything in life. There's always just hope, effort, and work, and if you work hard enough and play the right cards at the right times, you end up with a winning hand.

Woo.

Ding ding, the bell has rung and I've come out swinging.

-Dan

My Reflection

Many people look to the mirror for their own reflection. They see in the glass amongst the glares and beams of light their potential and their strengths. Many men see their character through their deeds and their actions, noting the virtues they so aptly portray through their accomplishments. Many men are able to look to the past and the present to determine and predict their own destiny, using a divinely given mind to decipher the events of their existence and decrypt the mysteries of the future.

I, however, am not such a man.

I am a man of a unique variety. I look to the great heroes of fable and lore and catch a glimmer of their creator, using some innate empathy to scry from the actions of heroes their creator's heart. I see myself by looking to the creator of the hero's heart. I see his eyes, and catch a glimpse of his face through the glimmer of the righteous' blade as it hacks down injustice. Through his face, I am able to see my own. Through the inspiration of the divine, I am able to interpret my talents, my accomplishments, and sense my own destiny. Through my writings, I am able to provide others with similar souls the same rite. Through my musings, I will inspire the masses. Through my constant questioning of the perceived greatness of the status quo, I will shape and change the peoples of nations. My destiny is among that of the greats, for I am the man behind the hero. I am the man who maps the footsteps of the changers. I am a man who unchains the bound from their servitude to mediocrity, and I ignite the flames within the broken.

In the mirror, a shell to be shed is visible. But it is within the reflection of my masterpieces that my true self is known.

A night full of destiny

Aka the following:
-GG Status.
-Cool Runnings Dan
-Less suck, more win.

Those titles all would have been appropriate for this blog.

I had an amazing night. After a mediocre day of work that lasted way too long, I came home, showered, and met up with Danielle before she leaves to Nevada. For those of you who don't know, Danielle is my ex. We had a nasty breakup and a way-too-eventful relationship. During a shitstorm in her life of very bad things and some good things, we began to talk via AIM/texts. We communicated carefully at first and began to get more relaxed with each other, getting into our old rhythm of chatting casually, like we did before we started dating.

I noted during this time that she had grown a lot, and long story short, when she was driving back from her canceled primary Nevada launch trip due to bad weather, I picked her up because it was rainy out. We proceeded to talk verbally for the first time in some time for 5 hours, getting to know each other again. I further noted that she had grown up tremendously.

Tonight, I asked if I could see her before she left for Nevada for real, and she agreed. We met up, talked about a lot of things, chatted, joked, laughed, had fun, and did all sorts of fun stuff. Then I told her I wanted to kiss her and the reasons why. She said, "Those are good reasons," and I kissed her. I kissed her long, soft, and lovingly in such a way to say, "Hey, all those things I said about me wanting to be with you through thick and thin? Yeah... Those were for real, and I still mean it, and I still want you back, and you've become everything I ever wanted... Especially from you." She responded positively to say the least.

I feel as if I am in the running still for when she gets back in a year. Who knows though. Much can change in a year. In this case though, I hope much does not.

Amazing.

-Dan

First Blog

Hi.

The first blog needs to be shitty, uneventful.

Here it is.

This is all it is.

Next blog inc.

-Dan